Oluwombo Lwa'Mbale

Outside Looking InD E WasakeIf you want to hook up with a village babe from Busano/Bugema in Mbale where my mum hails from and where I am spending this holiday season then forget your corporate chat up lines, those things of saying you are head of corporate banking in Standard Chartered or trying to impress by speaking in accented English or even accented luganda like some "summer" babe i know;"banange Dickson lwaki tolya ku sausage ngaffe mu boston, oteke ko ku ka nice weight kubanga right now you are not looking so nice, wenna okozze banange."Here if you want to receive Mbale's famed "12 bum salute" all you need to do is say two things(in local Lugisu dialect of course):Nama e'Kampala, kanne hutye fesi (I am from Kampala(I will take you there some time)) and;Ukuna Senator, Sse ndi Mazzi Mawanvu? Do you want some senator (lager)? I am a big kahunaDo that and I can guarantee you that even if you are an umusinde( literally translated as a boy but means an uncircumcised person) these Bagisu babes will give you "ingokho" (chicken) and of course the "12 bum salute" but expect the possibility of the "ingokho" to be given in her grand mum's banana or coffee plantation and not Mbale resort or a Protea hotel standard hotel. If you are lucky, it will in the corridor of the village dispensary which is on the way to her home.Of course I leave the hunt for the 12 bum salute and Ingokho to my now coming of age younger brothers Don Mo and Don mo "kiwani" (They are in dispute over who is the original don mo and thus the star).For me my only search in this town is for the ATM machines because as of now, I am a wanted man, or rather my pounds are wanted items, For me I am just a carrier/messenger of the Queen's season greetings to her commonwealth subjects in Busano/Bugema and the surrounding areas and of all the Malwa seeping and Ingokho eating people who are about to be my best and closest friends for the time I am here or until, the "Queen's greeting cards" get finished.My grandparents dont care about the fancy GBP 50 embroidered album I got them. And frankly they dont give a hoot that the GBP 30 scarf, poncho and matching gloves for grand mum is from M&S.Grandpa is 91 and grandma is 80 something and he(grandpa) told me boldly; "My son there are only two things I want before I leave(because for us we are about to leave)1) We want to see our great grand children.2) We want things which we can eat. We want bread, meat.What are we going to do with an album. These are things which we shall leave here, but food will bring us happiness here and now! Even Shs 1000 is much better than an album"Grandmother then joined in. "Yes when you are bringing mine, make sure you put it in an envelope and clearly mark it as "kukhu" (grandmother).Then of course there is uncle Sos. He bought us(me, mum and my brothers) senator(for Maddog), bell(for mum) , Alvarro(for both the Don mos)and for me mineral water(in place of water from the pot) but you can expect this has to be repaid six fold and of course by me.Besides the stress of the numerous "envelopes" that have to be passed on to the various relatives, it does make a difference being home and I am pretty happy;Even when my brothers are raiding all my shirts and shoes,Even when mum wants to introduce me to all her village friends and neighbours as a "best selling" writer and the one who stays abroad, much to my chagrin, I still take it in my stride as being better than as a stranger in the blistering winter cold of Jersey.Of course the endless Malewa and Ingokhos(the real ones this time) being slaughtered in my favour bring a smile to my face and I am looking forward to the next party, afterall this is also a kadodi(circumcision dance) year and so there is lots of merry making coupled with loads of young men in leesu's and of course where there is kadodi there is the famed "12 bum salute".Now that I am thinking about it, is it fair for me, a whole Mazzi Mawanvu to come to Rome and not do as the Roman's do?I think this salute needs to be given a try;Ari Umukyelama, Uloma shina, nama e'kampala, Ukana Senator?(Now madam,how are you, what's up, I am from Kampala, would you like a drink? Senator?)P.SThe "luwombo lwa 'Mbale and "12 bum salute" terms were coined by my brother Don Mo(I am not sure whether he is the original or the "kiwani). Luwombo is a traditional Ugandan delicacy and is a mixture of groundnuts and beef usually prepared in banana leaves.The "12 bum salute" is where a girl shakes her bum in rapid succession while dancing/ gyrating with a guy and it feels like her bum is under electric shock. According to Don mo, you only receive the bum salute in honour of your valiant efforts in the field of ............."Mazzi Mawanvu" is a common Luganda/Kampala slang to imply someone who is "big time" or "the man" or in my version "a big Kahuna" being a "summer" I may not understand its mean fully.A "Summer" is reference to persons who leave abroad and often descend upon Kampala especially during the summer and winter holidays. Trademark characteristics of the summer is the dressing style(bling blings, trainers etc) and the accents and of course being "mazzi mawanvu"Malewa is a trademark meal the Bagisu are famed for, it is bamboo shoot.