"It's Okay, I understand"

Not been able to blog for a month because I got bogged down by it all. Was woken up this morning by a phone call from my mum, and like my entire family, she is still grieving the loss of her brother, my uncle and how the media turned it into a circus. My family hurts and I feel helpless...I wish I could stop the pain but everything I have tried, hasn't been good enough. So we will grieve...and it too shall pass.It never ceases to amaze me that the loss of a loved one always takes everything, emotion, time and money. Today I laughed...well not really, when i realized that my work place had penalized me over a triviality and had deducted over 200k off my salary and quick on the heels of that, the news of death, quickly followed by spending and more spending in futile efforts to control media damage, to travel and facilitate others travel and of course, up-keep.I am terrible at telling people how i really feel and like many, 99.9% of the time I tell people, "It's Okay, I understand". I am lying. Its not okay. I don't understand! So for almost a year, I dated someone and lied almost all the time. He knew it, I did to. He's my ex now and I so wish to God he hadn't taken my call late at night when i needed to talk to someone about my uncle and all the craziness! He dozed off while i talked and when he woke up, he told me to tell someone who cares, also that it was probably Karma paying a visit to my uncle, because that could never have happened if he had lived a good life. "It's Okay, I understand"This and more happened in the last week and to be honest, events and conversations like these pretty much sum my past month. I woke up this morning with a one clear thought. I had slipped. I had forgotten one fundamental truth. Life and people owe you nothing and their default giving mode is pain. Someone will love you only when its convenient for her/him and Life will bugger you, blow after blow and slip in a little happiness from time to time, like adrenaline in a fight, to keep you from passing out from the sheer pain and give you false bravado to keep throwing punches in the air. I had forgotten all this.So I am re-learning these truths and more. Like death is always messy and loss forever inconvenient. That you will love people, some will think it too much, others, enough but to the people who matter the most, it will never be good enough. Why? Don't know. Just the way it is.So I am done expecting good. All i expect now are curve balls. I love my family and will do all I can to protect them from harm, but shit will filter through from time to time. I will keep on loving someone who doesn't give a rat's arse about me. I will make money...eventually loads of it, it will buy me pleasure but not happiness.And to Life I say,"It's Okay, I understand".