Those pesky toll free helplines

There are many kinds of service providers right now, with a great number of people employed to be at the end of a service helpline should you choose to call. However, there is no guarantee that the person who picks the phone up will know how to solve your problem. Or how to talk.
Take for instance a certain airline E which I called to find out about the availability of a flight. Each person I spoke to asked me to hold and transferred me to yet another till I had been moved a grand total of 5 times.  When I was finally connected to the person who should know, I was advised to call back later because the person was not sure. One would think that they would take my number and call me back - but perhaps that is asking too much. When I asked what the direct line to that person was, I was told to ‘call the number you called in the first place’.
For reasons I cannot truly explain, I am a two-phoned tycoon and both services have a customer care line. Yesterday I had to call Provider M. I got an engaged tone about a million times before I suddenly was connected. “Hellomynameisblabla,thisisMhowmayIhalpyou?” They all know they are meant to say who they are and what they are about and greet you and ask you how they may assist you, but I think after the 100th call, they stop caring whether you actually can understand that introductory sentence.
After about a minute explaining my issue (namely, I am sick of getting text invites to things I did not subscribe for) I was informed I could not be helped till the next day; no idea why. I then called Provider W, to make some inquiries about how to use their internet service. I was connected to a girl who was either having her feet tickled under the table, or was high on what a Rastafarian would call ‘the holy herb’. I had to endure maniacal giggling while she answered a question I had not yet even asked. When she finished, I had to ask her to please listen to my actual question and begin her answer again.
In the midst of my whining, I must acknowledge that the DSTV and the UMEME call centres generally seem to have their act together (or they have memorised my number and speed things up to get rid of me!)
I don’t think my editor would smile if I sent half a column and said the rest was unavailable due to temporary interference and I did not know when it would be back. If you expect people to take you seriously, please edit the voices that directly represent your companies.
Published on Sunday 7th January, 2010