How to deal with the arm of the law

Here are a few pointers on how to be a good Ugandan citizen. Which also means how to deal with traffic police without necessarily paying a bribe.1. Lock your doors whenever you're driving around, keeping in mind that you're a little scared lady in this big scary city of Kampala.2. When you're stopped by a traffic cop, roll down your passenger window and wait for him to ask for your driving permit.3. Quickly realise that he's actually trying to open the door and not talk to you so unlock the doors.4. Let him sit in your car and order you to drive around.5. Don't apologise too much and have him wonder to you 'what kind of Ugandan are you?'6. Keep asking for directions to Central Police Station since he mentioned that's where you were headed anyway.7. Ask him not to stare at you too much cuz it's making you uncomfortable.8. Pretend you don't notice him staring at your legs when your skirt has ridden up because you're driving and can't exactly adjust it.9. Lie to him and say that you've only been in Uganda for 4 months so are not fully aware of all the rules but admit you know you committed a crime.10. Drive past CPS like he tells you to after he's pointed it out to you and thank him for forgiving you.11. Ask him what he means by 'fine yourself'. Here, it is best to put on your best innocent face with doe eyes and a shivering lip for greater effect.12. Explain to him what a 'fine' is and tell him that you have no idea how the self-imposed fine would work since there should be a set amount for a fine.13. Ask him if you'll get a receipt for 'fining yourself'.14. Smile genuinely after he is so exasperated with you and says it's ok, just drop him off over there.15. At this stage, the shock you are about to feel is not feigned but pretty real. He asks you, 'you're a born of where?'16. Do not panic, do not stop, do not look at him as you just might crash into someone. Ask him nicely what language he is speaking.17. When he elaborates and says, 'which part of the country are you from', do not, I repeat DO NOT burst out laughing and instead tell him you were born and raised in Kampala.18. Drop him off and thank him with fluttering eyelashes and a huge smile for not punishing you.19. Pretend you don't know what he's talking about when he keeps going on and on about what a privilege it was to be driven by such a lovely girl as you.20. Drive off and let loose all the tension by laughing so hard you end up tearing up.P.S. DO NOT call your friend Dee to tell her about it because it was her who got you in trouble in the first place.