Avoid These 3 Mistakes After a Break-Up

This may come as a shock to you.But did you know that a man will LEAVE a woman he"LOVES" if he's not feeling a certain kind ofattraction for her?That's right, a man can feel that he "cares" aboutyou and even wants more than anything to remain your FRIEND, but if he's not feeling a very specific kind of "emotional" attraction and connection with you, he's not going to feel IN LOVE with you.You know when a man says "He loves you, but he'snot IN LOVE with you"?This is about the fact that a man has stopped feeling that emotional attraction and connectionwith you.Of course, he will tell you that he thinks you're not really compatible, or that he's not ready for anything serious, or any number of "fake" excuses.When the TRUTH is that he's just not FEELING whatit is he needs to feel to know your relationshipis right for him anymore.Have you ever broken up with a man and spent weeks, months or even YEARS daydreaming about theday he would call to say he made a MISTAKE?...that you're the ONE woman for him after all,and that he wants you back in his life - forever?Have you ever been "haunted" by a man through your dreams at night, causing you to feel "in a fog" the entire next day about him?Have you cried and despaired over a break-up because you felt like you'd NEVER find a man whoUNDERSTOOD and LOVED you the way that one specialguy did?Do you torture yourself with daydreams about him coming back to you and asking you for a real commitment this time? Daydreams that feel cruel incomparison to what the REALITY is?Break-ups can be gut-wrenching, painful times in our lives.Believe me, men suffer through them just as much as women do (we just don't like to admit it - especially to our guy friends).If you're like most women, you probably have a certain "PATTERN" that you go through after a break-up.You feel things a certain way, and you do certainthings to make yourself feel better or to lessenthe pain or shame of feeling DUMPED.It's normal to want to avoid PAIN and feel betterif we can.If you were a glutton for pain, you'd be having awhole different kind of problem that I couldn'thelp you with!The problem isn't with wanting to avoid pain.The problem is when we do things that we THINK will lessen our pain, and these actions actuallyINCREASE PAIN in the long run!Here's an example.Let's say that you never exercise, and your doctortells you that you absolutely MUST get off your laurels and start moving in order to get really healthy and eliminate some problems you're havingwith your body.You're not into it at all, but you decide to give it a try and see how it goes.You go on a jog, or you sign up for a gym membership and take a yoga or aerobics class.The next day, you are in PAIN.You can't believe how sore and hobbled you feel from just that small amount of exercise.You don't like the pain. And the idea of even MOREpain the next day by doing more exercise totallyturns you off.So you stay home or you let your gym membership expire. The pain goes away, but you know, deep down, that the LONG-TERM pain of living a sedentary life will be even more painful.Ok, enough about that. I hope you get my drift about how sometimes in order to avoid feeling something unpleasant, we do things to ourselves (or avoid things) that in the long run make things even WORSE.Let's take relationships and break-ups as another(hopefully more interesting) example.What I've found in talking to hundreds and hundreds of women who write me or come to my seminars or who just approach me for advice, is that most women tend to make the SAME MISTAKESafter a break-up that keeps them STUCK in the same bad patterns, over and over.You may have noticed this yourself...in the love lives of your girlfriends.These mistakes literally keep these women stuck indestructive, demeaning or GO-NOWHERE relationships for months or even YEARS.These mistakes can be the reason you keep pickingthe wrong men over and over.They can be the reason you keep feeling hurt and rejected all the time by a man who just won't commit, won't love you, but won't let you go, either.So if you're feeling like you've been in and outof relationships and that NOTHING seems to bechanging or improving in the QUALITY of your relationships, listen up.Because here are the 3 most common mistakes youneed to avoid after a break-up:MISTAKE TO AVOID #1: STAYING IN TOUCH WITHYOUR EX.I hear from women all the time who do this, and Ialmost don't blame them, really.Your guy tells you it's over, or you get into a fight, or he says that he just can't see himself in a long-term relationship with you.For all intents and purposes, you know that he'sbroken up with you and the relationship is over.At least you feel that way for a day or two.But then something happens.He texts you. Or calls. Or emails.At first, he's just being "friendly" and asking if you're "ok." Maybe you get together with him for coffee and talk about how your friendship istoo important to just throw away.How you want each other in your life in SOME WAY.He may even tell you things like that he still "loves you" or thinks you're special, or that he"cares."Sure, he thinks you're a great woman and he'd love to have you in his life in SOME WAY in orderto boost his ego and lessen his OWN discomfort about the break-up.So it goes.Pretty soon, he's calling you all the time, and you're calling him.You know you should probably not stay in contact,but you almost can't help yourself from respondingto his texts or answering the phone when you knowit's him.And you get your HOPES UP that all that contactmeans he's getting closer to wanting you back. Thatthere's a chance you can have things back to the way they used to be. Right?WRONG.Staying connected with a man who doesn't want acommitted relationship with you (when you do) onlyPROLONGS your pain.Each time he reminds you that he's not ready, or hasn't changed his mind, is just you getting your heart broken again...and again...and again.STOP IT!This isn't getting you closer to moving on and actually making the space and time in your life to find a man who TRULY loves you and wants to have a real relationship with you.It just keeps you dangerously STUCK in a place where your self-esteem and confidence actually wither each time you talk, text, sleep with or daydream about your ex-boyfriend.And you won't believe how long you can actuallystay in that place - always hoping, but never really getting what you want.So cut all ties, if at all possible.MISTAKE TO AVOID #2: THINKING YOU'RE A FAILURE AT LOVE OR SOMEHOW UN-LOVABLEHow many times have you wondered if the reason youcan't find a good man who wants to have a real,devoted and honest relationship with you is because they're something wrong with YOU?You wonder if you're just a FAILURE at love, or ifmaybe you're not attractive enough or if maybe you're undesirable.It's just not true!Break-ups are simply a part of your life's journey. It's a way for you to learn what you needto learn about WHO YOU ARE and WHAT YOU NEED inorder to be happy.Show me a woman who's never broken up with a manin her life and I'll show you a miserable pushoveror a weirdo hermit.Ok, I'm sure it's possible...maybe the Queen of England or some woman in an arranged marriagenever broke up with a man in her life, but thatdoesn't mean that she's had an amazing and full LOVE LIFE.What do you think?Feeling like you're unlovable or a failure is a disservice to YOURSELF. It's creating patterns of thinking that make you even less confident and evenMORE needy in the future.It's better to feel gratitude and even relief thatyou were shown a way of being in a relationship that just doesn't work for you.You'll know what kind of situation or man to watchout for next time. You'll know what you need to SAY and DO when you get into a relationship with a new man so this doesn't happen again.You'll learn to be a wiser, stronger woman who knows her boundaries and who knows what she willor won't tolerate.Now, without any painful or bad experiences in your love life, how would you ever know what REALLOVE with a good man is?Right. You wouldn't. Moving on.MISTAKE TO AVOID #3: TRYING TO FAST-TRACK YOURGRIEF OR STAYING STUCK TOO LONGOk, tell me if you've ever done one of these threethings after a break-up:1. Get on an online dating site literally theSAME DAY your man breaks up with you and start the process of a brand new relationship as quicklyas possible2. Tell yourself you're never dating again, or you're not dating until you can somehow "fix yourself" and the things you think are wrong withyou3. Decide you don't have time for heartbreak andbad relationships anymore and you throw yourselfinto your work, family or friends and avoid datingaltogether???If any of those sound familiar, it probably meansthat you're doing everything you can to AVOID feeling what you're feeling after a break-up.You're either trying to find a man quickly, inorder to feel desired again...and therefore comeoff as "needy, desperate or clingy" when you date...Or, you're avoiding men altogether so you're notreminded of the man you really wanted and can no longer have. Therefore, you give off a vibe thatsays "stay away" or "I'm not interested."This ping-ponging between extremes actually PREVENTS you from meeting a man who can actually be the one guy who CAN be good for you and turnit all around for you.But hey, you may not care about that.You may feel like it's OK if you don't date or find Mr. Right for a long, long time.It's your choice. And you should be OK with that.But if you're NOT OK with being alone and single and feeling STUCK, then do yourself a favor and learn how to use the pain of your break-up to create a BETTER situation for yourself.And here's how.Recently, I sat down with an amazing life coachwho's made a career out of helping women after a break-up.Her name is Lisa Steadman.Lisa is the author of the book, "It's a Break-Up,Not a Breakdown." In her private practice, shespecializes in helping women get over break-ups and get past the negative patterns in their livesthat are holding them back from having the kind of relationship they really want.When a woman is in despair because she just can'tseem to get over an ex, or isn't having a lot ofsuccess moving on, or just wants to know how to GET THE GUY BACK, she comes to Lisa for consultation.Lisa helps women recognize why a break-up isn'tnecessarily the end of the world for them, and how to use their painful experience to actuallyGROW and LEARN how to create better experiencesin the future.Lisa says that experiencing a gut-wrenching break-up CAN be one of the most important thingsthat can happen to you in your love life.It can be a CATALYST for changing the way you meetmen, date, and behave in relationships.It can actually bring you CLOSER to finding thelove of your life - the REAL love of your life.She helps women see the futility of the 3 mistakesI've just shared with you in this email.She helps them to change the way they usually do things after a break-up, so that they can begin toactually HEAL and get past the hurt, and be on theway to finding Mr. Right the right way - not too quickly or hastily, and not after months or years of wasting energy being stuck.Lisa shared a lot of powerful advice with me during our hour-long interview.Some of the highlights include:>> The Big Breakup" - how do you know you've had one of these, or just another run-of-the-mill breakup? Learn why having a Big Breakup can actually lead to a turning point in your life, and how that happens.>> The UNIVERSAL MALE PROBLEM and most fearful moment for a man when he's around a woman (it'snot what you think) and how you can use this inside knowledge to help you find Mr. Right.>> The ONE FACTOR that makes a breakup almostheart-wrenchingly painful and makes you want tostay connected to him at all costs...but whystaying connected in this situation is VERYdetrimental to you.>> What you need to know about what your man thinks and feels about sleeping with you after a breakup - BEFORE you end up in bed together(hint: it's counterintuitive and it's VERY CONFUSING).>> What specific thing to focus on RIGHT NOW sothat you don't stay STUCK constantly looking back on how things used to be with your ex, or how good life once WAS. >> Why keeping in contact with your ex on socialnetworking sites like FaceBook can be dangerousto you and your healing.>> The 3 ACTION STEPS to take in order to startlooking ahead to a love-filled future instead of wallowing in the heartbreak of the past.>> The WARNING SIGNS that you may be losing orcompromising yourself and who you are when you'rein a relationship - and how to know when you're letting a relationship or a man be more importantthan your own needs and goals.>> Are you naturally very nurturing and giving in relationships? Here's ONE GREAT TIP on how tostart every relationship on the right foot, so that you can feel fulfilled and relaxed aboutwho you are and what you need from a relationship.>> The only way to make DRAMATIC CHANGES in yourfuture relationships in getting your needs and desires met.>> The RIGHT WAY and the WRONG WAY to be vulnerable around a man you just started dating(This specifically has to do with how you felt about your breakup).>> The single best "PICK-UP LINE" a woman can use on a man, and how you can start using it TODAY ifyou're single. By the way, this one is a no-brainer. You'll see.>> Why wearing black after a break-up helps youget over him much, much faster - a crazy exercisethat you can enjoy doing in secret.>> and much more!So let's say that you've broken up with a man recently, or you're still kind of getting over aguy from your past.You know that you should be "getting out there" and dating, or you should at least have a better time with it.Maybe you're having trouble getting into it because you're afraid of getting hurt again. You're afraid of getting REJECTED again by someone you're interested in, or you're afraid you won'tbe interested in a man who thinks you're a fantastic woman."I like that guy, but he doesn't want me.""That guy keeps calling and asking me out, but he gives me the creeps."This isn't just the wrong man at the wrong time, it's a constant struggle with your self-worth, believe it or not!And if you find yourself thinking any of those things up there, you need to do something right now.You need to take the PRESSURE OFF and start looking at dating as "fun" and "a learning process." Seriously.Maybe you don't think that you can start over at"your age" (that's total junk by the way), or thatyou hate being single again at this point in yourlife.But you ARE single, and the sooner you embrace that truth, the better off you'll be, and thesooner you can start getting back to a place where you can actually meet a guy who will become the love of your life.You can start by saying "hello" to one new manevery day - at the store, at work, at coffee shops.But hey, I can understand that constantly having to "start over" from scratch to find a great guy when you already thought you had one can not only be frustrating, it can be downright demoralizing.If you're like lots of women I've helped, thenmaybe you find that meeting a man isn't the problem, so much as when he STOPS CALLING or asking you out, or gets distant and withdrawsfor no logical reason.Maybe you don't know the specific things to ASKA MAN early on to figure out if he's being honest,if he's mature, if he's even "into" having a realrelationship (and not just a fling).What I've learned about the early stages of datingis that most women would be much more successful in dating and relationships if they not only knewhow to MEET a great man, but how to ATTRACT him in the RIGHT way to keep his interest in the long-term.It's not enough just to be a beautiful, smart and capable woman. The reason a man falls for a woman, and I meanreally and truly falls for her, has little to do with the way she LOOKS, or how smart or successfulshe is.Although these are nice "openers" to pull a guy in at first.Men fall for women and start pursuing them and want a COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP filled with love, affection and growth because of a few very special and specific qualities he either sees and admires in a woman and then wants her... Or he doesn't see these, and he'll never wantmore than just something fun FOR NOW.Fortunately, if you're not sure you know what I'm talking about, and what these few special andrare qualities are that say "Girlfriend" or "Wife"about you to a man, that's ok. I've put together an entire program that shows you exactly how to take it from the first "hello" to hearing him say "I love you" and beyond.My "Meeting The One" CD/DVD program will show you:-What to DO and SAY to catch a man's attention and get him to ask you out-How to easily create a FOUNDATION for a LASTING RELATIONSHIP from the first date on, building through each conversation you have with him-The simple way to OVERCOME all the common dating frustrations that are haunting you now and keepingyou two from moving past all the "what if's"and "maybes"... and surrendering to your feelings and your love-And much more.With the tools you'll get in this program, you'll start to see instant results in the way that men respond to you, and in your own ability to create situations that engage his interest andattraction.This is why my latest interview with Lisa Steadmanis the PERFECT companion tool for my "Meeting The One" program.Lisa's advice will help you move on from a past breakup and bust through the same, bad patterns in your relationships, and my Meeting the One program will help you with the PRACTICAL steps ofwhere and how to meet men and what to do and say to get a new relationship off to a great start.