Beautiful Disaster: The Post Mortem

It's hard to be honest, especially about the things you care about the most.Time check: 11:34 AM (Sunday). The irony of life is to be pursued by many men, the Good, bad and Ugly and all the while to have loved someone who doesn't give a rat's arse and has no qualms about treating you like shit. It's ironic and cliché. He told me several times that people will treat you how you let them. He was so right and I guess to drive the point home further, he went ahead to give me a demonstration, and for over a year, I obliged him.I feel wronged, yes, but I let it happen. I let him treat me badly. So I guess I am not really mad at him…I AM MAD AS HELL AT MYSELF!I don't want to rant and rave about what went down last night partly coz that's his forte'. He has developed quite a reputation for blogging about stuff between us and I wouldn't want to deny him the pleasure he gets from sharing his often one sided accounts but also because I am so pissed off! Not at him, nothing he has done has surprised me, I saw it coming, I was warned several times…hell, he warned me himself!I am so pissed off at "Me". I marvel now at how much I hated myself, at how desperate I was to prove to people that I could have a functional un adulterous relationship that I settled for one that took away from me and gave nothing back. I am mad that I was too afraid of being alone that I didn't tell him right from the beginning, 'Dude, it's cool, I agree, let's just be friends….nothing more". There are so many regrets like, I should have insisted that he pick the tab for dinner more, that he treats me nice and keeps in touch more. I should have expected to have him buy me stuff once in a while and shouldn't have kept on spending on him while he almost never gave me anything. I should have listened to his Mum when she said I wasn't good for her son, she was right…I was too good for him. I should have listened when some said "Liz, he's a boy. You need to date a man". I am so mad at myself for letting it go on for so long.A friend of mine once gave voice to something I had known for long but was afraid to admit. She said "Liz, it's not that he is a bad guy, he may actually be a great guy but the two of you together is disastrous". I suspected it all along refusing to admit that maybe all the potential for greatness I saw and the humour that made me glow wasn't meant for me to partake in a romantic relationship and that it was best to just be friends. So for a year, I held on to my beautiful disaster.Another friend of mine was just plain old harsh. But, maybe not too far off the mark? He said something like "Liz I know you believe that if you address the jester in a man, the jester will talk back, talk to the idiot and he will talk back, talk to the Lion, he will talk back, talk to the King, and the King will talk back, but have you ever considered that while you are trying to talk to the Lion and King in him, none exists?" Recently while hanging out with one of my "boys" (platonic male friends from whom I seek advice once in a while), he somberly asks me how our relationship is going and I replied that quite frankly there was none to speak of since we are fighting all the time which had been made way complicated by his mother telling him to stop seeing me and him agreeing. To which my Boy replied in one of the gravest tones I have heard him use, "Liz, keep away from him, don't get close to him if he is a 25year old man still getting instructions from Mummy. Yes, you are crazy, you can be neurotic at times but you would bring good into his life, you are a good person and if he doesn't appreciate it, he ain't worth your time". This backhanded compliment wasn't lost on me.SO TODAY I AM JUST FUCKING PISSED AT MYSELF FOR NOT LISTENING!