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Yellow, the vaccine you have called… posted on January 6, 2011 - 11:56am

Dr. Paul Kaggwa, the Assistant Commissioner of health at the Ministry of Health cut a very nervous picture; wringing his hands from time to time- only stopping to pull a wet handkerchief from his tailored trouser to wipe rivulets of sweat pouring from every crevice on his skin and pacing back and forth. You see, the good doctor was anxiously waiting for a telephone call from mars to no avail. Didn’t Pakalast cover the entire galaxy? And so he fumed and puffed and perspired on…

You are black! Said Ofwono Opondo to the Media posted on October 11, 2010 - 7:07pm

Shock gripped Uchumi Supermarket employees recently when they came to work in the morning and found, converging at a meeting; the entire stock of underwear and pens laughing heartily and high fiving. No they weren’t. They were cowering under the shelves because they had read in the news that Ofwono Opondo had attacked journalists. They thought they were next.You can remember that a couple of years back Ofwono Opondo and as he so aptly describes himself a ‘regular and reliable news source’ went into a then new Uchumi Supermarket and allegedly shoplifted a pen and two(?) pairs of underwear. He was caught. He became a disgrace. His party NRM kept him on in a top position even eventually made him the party spokesman. I wonder how that played out though-so, we are looking for an individual that will be the mouth piece of the party-let’s see, we have embezzlers, the corrupt, timber thieves, HIV and Tuberculosis money thieves, power sticklers….

Rocktober! posted on October 7, 2010 - 7:40pm

And so there’s been two BHHs without a recap from me. I am awful proud of that thank you very much. It demonstrates that I have shed even that little shred of dignity I had as a blogger. I mean if I cannot even make up a bloody BHH re-cap what is the world coming to? I suck. While we are at confession, here is more. I had promised myself that since this is my special month, I would blog every day of the week for the whole month. I lied again. That is what happens when you make resolutions at the end of the year. You are too busy trying to keep track of the ones you have not lived up to since the beginning of the year you can hardly take time off to keep a simple one as writing about my crappy life every day.

I protested having to do this recap because what are people going to think of me; absconding from my blogging duties only to come and do a recap every several months only to disappear again and come back with a recap! Disgraceful! And so that is why I protested. But clearly I am not that good at protesting. Not good at many other things to be honest with you. Take the gym for example. Perfect place to meet nice sweaty guys, smelly sweaty guys, overzealous instructors in short shorts, and well, if you are up to it, perfect for toning up the thighs, butt and of course those flabby arms. So I sucked at that too. But I guess I came here to talk about what went down at BHH so I will delve right into it.

Gym thingies posted on March 11, 2010 - 12:33pm

The other day the buttons on my shirt were fighting to explode off my chest, so I figured I had to do something about my ever expanding width. So i signed up to a gym. I know! A bit much right? why couldn't i just stop eating? here's what i found.

  • My Gym figured out a way to keep business going; there’s a Pastries shop right outside the gym. A friend of mine had this to say about that, Location, Location, Location.
  • Your 11 year old brother’s sneakers are not a good idea unless rotten feet are the new fad in town
  • That laughing should not be your standard reaction to when the instructor spreads your legs wide, whilst he is in a kneeling position between them
  • I should have shaved my armpits
  • I was going to shave that morning but then I remembered that I was going to wear a long sleeved shirt that day, so what’s the rush?

Hassan's joint posted on December 8, 2009 - 6:20pm

Saturday Vision Page 29

In a rare show of transparency, Museveni has s decided to open up about some of the things that rile him.Now, we would have all appreciated it more if he had told us exactly how many more years he intends to rule for, or why he appointed Janet Minister, and does she really own Garden City? How much money does he have on his bank account etc, but I guess anything he decides to unleash, we will be more than happy to hear.At the burial of V.P’s son (RIP) Museveni was given an opportunity to speak. In his own words, Museveni had never really met Brian the deceased so it is only fair that he talk about well, anyone but the deceased.

for BHH absentees posted on August 28, 2009 - 1:50pm

This BHH was boring.I read all these tales of grandeur about the previous 2 BHHs and I was hoping to see for myself this time. That plus Heaven was really mean to me the last time I did not attend. There was a low turn up. Even those that came fashionably late were awfully early! By 7:30, the few of us who were there were trying desperately hard to come up with conversations that generated more than a ha ha, kyoka you!, yea I love your tattoo, I should have one done myself, except that I won’t sort of responses. It is tough being a BHH attending blogger I tell you. Especially when Cheri is not around or when Lucy has not promised us coverage!

Beyonce is slutty and the Sanyu breakfast show posted on August 5, 2009 - 9:41am

Beyonce’s new (?) video ‘ego’ was showing on a music channel the other day when I started in surprise. Why, that thing looked just like ‘put a ring on it,’ why was she using the same video for two different songs? But she wasn’t. Just that in this video too, she was wearing one of those swimsuit costumy things that show off her bajingo and all those other things jay man should have patented when he put a ring on it.Thing is, Beyonce, you do not have to go naked to be able to shoot music videos. It is getting annoying Bey. Also, please stop blaming your randiness on your alter ego. All I am saying Bey is that you do not have to sell your soul or thighs to make a good music video. Ok, so you are sexy, your curves are fantastically sculptured but get over it already! Although you do look good naked

Blame it on the weatherman posted on July 15, 2009 - 1:16pm

The President wore his best ‘pained expression’ as he looked around at all the stick thin people around him. “My fellow Africans and indeed good citizens of Somalia; it is unfortunate that this famine is threatening to wipe all of you out. Unfortunate because back home in Uganda, the fields are flourishing…”“No Mr. President” whispered his most trusted aide who was by now perspiring in shame. “We are actually in Teso. It is a district in Uganda mind you…” at which point the president amended his speech and cut and paste the word Teso where previously was Somalia.It has been a while since Uganda got associated with severe famine. Sure biting poverty does still rage on but an actual calamity where famine was killing off people like an epidemic has been out of the news for a while.