Feed items

Monday Massacres: The Things In Movies That Aren’t True posted on November 1, 2011 - 9:19am

This particular piece is for the younger readers. Dear fairly old reader, most of the stuff you’ll read here will seem slightly obvious. I’d recommend taking a cup of tea if I was sure you had sugar. But I’m not. So yes, back to you dear young reader; many times you find yourself tired of arguing with your friends  about how the ailing socio-economic situation cannot be alleviated by gross external funding. You argue for hours on end but finally agree to let the matter lie and you all head to the cinema to watch a movie. Movies are places to let your eyeballs experience all kinds of awesome things. Flying objects, broken hearts, speeding cars and busty damsels all make your eyeballs thank you, their owner, over and over again.  A word of caution young one; not all those things are true. I know, I know, hard pill to swallow. I’m here to let you know what isn’t true in those movies you watch.

Monday Massacres: Black Monday posted on October 24, 2011 - 9:13am

Last week, news was everywhere about how a charitable soul had been taken captive by the powers that be. Bad Black aka Latifah Nalukenge aka Shanita Namuyimbwa was arrested. I took the weekend off to do some in-depth research into where this ‘young’ lady might have gotten all this money she’s been hitting people with. I present to you my meticulous findings; as you read on, you’ll realize how smug and happy I am about my findings.
Undercover FBI agent

Monday Massacres: Here’s the 411 posted on October 19, 2011 - 7:02am

It was a very hectic weekend here at the ULK headquarters, one that saw the back door kicked in and many of our top secret documents smudged with a gooey, oil-like substance, rendering the docs useless.  All of you who were running scared because of how much information we had on you can now breathe easier. Even the mandazi that Nansikombi brings in the morning was unusually oily. No one was physically hurt by the attack but the Streetsider now walks with a pimp stick, just in case. That said, I am here with the 411. The kashoogidemagwan. You may have heard rumors about 411.11. I now take you on a journey through history; what momentous events have taken place on this auspicious day?

How To Join A Choir posted on October 12, 2011 - 9:39am

Many of you have carefully considered joining a choir. You regularly sit by your radio set, listening to Steve Jean, hugging yourself and singing along word for word. This thirst for the choir-thing-in-life shouldn’t go unquenched.  Here at ULK, we are in the benevolent habit of making dreams come true. And with the festive season around the corner, there’s no better time to join a choir and make a joyful noise. Let’s get you into that choir.
Eat raw eggs

Monday Massacres: The Mourning After Pill posted on October 10, 2011 - 7:55am

It is hard to write with tears in your eyes. I last cried this much when the neighbor’s cat ate my rabbits. Who does that? Which self-respecting cat leaves the milk and nkeje at home and goes and eats rabbits at the neighbors? So we took on Kenya over the weekend and the barren match meant we didn’t qualify for the Africa Cup of Nations. We gave them electricity, visas, some of our women, even alcohol and in return, all we needed was a goal. Just one. All their defender had to do was send a shot into their goal and then say “Oops! Nimefanya nini?” We’d all get it.

Monday Massacres: Kenya Massacres posted on October 3, 2011 - 7:57am

We are scheduled to beat-up our neighbor this weekend. Not very neighborly behavior but every so often, a nation’s got to put her buddies in their place. For you who UMEME has kept in the dark to the point that you’ve learnt how to charge your phone without electricity, you probably do not know that Uganda is set to take on Kenya in a soccer game this weekend. It is a do-or-die game for both sides. Lucky for Uganda, we have a secret weapon. Sleek.

Watching Sean Kingstonned posted on September 22, 2011 - 10:25am

You may be from a remote part of Uganda where there is no internet;  you spend your days running away from lions and as such, you may not have caught your breath long enough to hear of how Kazoora took Sean Kingston’s wrist watch from him on stage. It all went down this past weekend. We got a chance to talk to Kazoora; see the monologue.
####
From the time I heard his voice come through my Daewoo radio way back in 2007 when I was still being talked about a lot by Ugandan newspapers, I immediately knew then…I knew right there and then that I had to have his…I had to have his watch. There he was in my radio, singing about ‘beauriful gaaarrrss, they only wanna do your dirt, they have me ssuiicidall, suuiicidalll’ (dreamy look, hand stroking the goatee on the doll on his lap)

Monday Massacres: Bayistic Bayimba posted on September 19, 2011 - 9:15am

The weekend was an artsy one, with the Bayima International Festival of the Arts taking place at the National Theatre. Ok, there was also Sean Kingston but it was full. The place not the artiste. The festival started on Friday so I sneaked in to watch one of the first acts, the Lantern Meet of Poets do their thing. I didn’t pay to enter. They either thought I was royalty…or maybe the festival was free for all. I stood in the parking lot and watched people doing artistic gymnastics for about 20 minutes before wicked whispers informed me that the poets were doing their thing in the theatre.
Issue 1: The place needed the agenda to be handed out as flyers or have it pasted everywhere on posters and the like because there was so much going on; crafts on sale, somersaults, singing, rapping…It was easy to miss out on things you like.

Kampala:The City Of Spin posted on September 14, 2011 - 8:09am

Hi there. How are you? Your response will determine whether I’ll have breakfast or not. Look into your monitor and speak. You seem to be new here. Yes, you. By ‘here’ I’m referring to our nice, quaint nation. Come, let me show you around. I may need to define a few things for you. Let me give you the low-down.
Taxi conductors
These are people who love the environment so much that they dedicate their entire lives to conserving water by not wasting it on frivolous things like showering. They take this love further by carrying a bit of earth on their bodies with them everywhere they go. They also abhor the use of things that damage the ozone layer; things like deodorants and toothpaste.

Over the weekend, I was minding my own business, staring intently through slightly-parted curtains to see what my neighbor was having for lunch. 1 hour 40 minutes and I still couldn’t make it out. Then a moth somehow floated onto one of the curtains and started to speak. Below are a few of the magnificent things from our future I managed to scribble down after getting over the initial shock.
Trapped in the closet