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Woke up for my jog at 6:15am today (yeah finally got convinced that my ass needs to lose weight and I am frankly tired of the cellulite!)I have this arrangement with this guy, he comes over, we fuck sometimes but it isn't a relationship. A few days ago he told me he was seeing someone. I wasn't shocked or sad, I just felt sorry for her. I am still not sure why…hahahhaa…yes I am but I hope to God I am proven wrong.To be honest I don't know how he does it. I won't commit to anyone coz I have this thing with him and I wouldn't disrespect the other person by "seeing them" and fucking someone else but I was told men are able to not only do it, but justify it with a clear conscience…Poor gal…anyway none of my business.Developed a weird fever after jogging, must be a PMS thing but felt better by evening and went to the gym and did an hour on the treadmill and all I feel now is weak…so weak, so I can't do this for long.

I Just got off the phone, refused some guy from coming to my place like 10:30pm. Not coz I am a prude, or pious or any of that sanctimonious garbage. But coz I wanted to celebrate myself, as a singular person, not in the context of the object of some man's lust. The past 5 years have been a blur of being some man's woman or some figure of several men's sexual fantasies, that it's quite liberating now to just chill, to have the option of having several men over but not even allowing a single one to come . It's liberating to know that I can be as horny as hell but my need to celebrate my singularity supersedes, by far, the need for a good fuck. Feels so bloody powerful.I bumped into 2 of my exes today. I am still amazed at the disparity of my emotions towards them. For one it was nonchalance, for the other it was peace.

Not been able to blog for a month because I got bogged down by it all. Was woken up this morning by a phone call from my mum, and like my entire family, she is still grieving the loss of her brother, my uncle and how the media turned it into a circus. My family hurts and I feel helpless...I wish I could stop the pain but everything I have tried, hasn't been good enough. So we will grieve...and it too shall pass.It never ceases to amaze me that the loss of a loved one always takes everything, emotion, time and money. Today I laughed...well not really, when i realized that my work place had penalized me over a triviality and had deducted over 200k off my salary and quick on the heels of that, the news of death, quickly followed by spending and more spending in futile efforts to control media damage, to travel and facilitate others travel and of course, up-keep.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It’s been 12 years since my last Confession.Padre’, I have to confess I have had murderous thoughts in my heart. Last night while lying in bed next to him, I felt almost possessed by Lorena Bobbit. I contemplated how easy it would be, all I would have to do is get it from the kitchen…Father, forgive me and please tell God to forgive me and that his son is...an arsehole.